At times it can be tempting to run away from our interactions with people and isolate ourselves in a cave or on top of a mountain. After all, so many of the gurus or “enlightened ones” we here about have spent time wandering in the desert, meditating in a cave or on a mountain, or praying in a monastery. As seekers, we may not have the time or funds to leave our jobs and find “God” in an ashram; however, when we are hurt and feel drawn to spiritual comfort, we may find other ways to isolate ourselves. This is not necessary and could actually be harmful. Whatever it was (who it was) who caused us hurt or pain, is not an invitation to escape, but an invitation to dive deeper into ourselves and learn to be more gentle with ourselves and others. How do we practice? We practice by getting back into the flow of life and honoring ourselves and others.

Inevitably, we will hurt and be hurt. This is part of learning about ourselves and discerning which of our reactions to life are authentic. I recently received a communication that upset me. I know that one of my own triggers is feeling misunderstood or misrepresented. Instead of using the moment to go deeper into myself, I answered by closing the door on the person. Upon reflection, I realize that whenever I begin to think the words “unfair” or “that’s not fair,” it’s time for me to slow down and find out what is truly going on. Just because someone does not understand me, it does not give me the right to lash out or close doors. I’m reminded of a sermon I heard once about God’s love and how we may not always see how a tragedy could be an example of love. The metaphor was that of a parent with a child. I remember a moment when my oldest daughter started to run out into the street. I grabbed her arm and yanked her back to my side. She started crying and thought I had been “mean.” She didn’t see the cars or the fact that my act was one of love and protection.

So, back to this idea of relationships, reacting authentically, and my own issues with “unfair.” It is only in relationship with others that we can tap into our wounds. If I were in a cave, what could hurt me? I could suffer from hunger, thirst, and discomfort, but these are physical problems. In the world, I have to accept that not everyone will “get” me, even worse, not everyone will “like” me. When someone touches my wound, I can either say a version of “ouch,” “you jerk,” or “oh, here’s a place that needs my love and attention.” I’ve felt pretty good about myself that I’ve moved somewhat from “you jerk” to “ouch.” Now I realize it is time to move into “here’s a place that needs my love and attention.”

Too often, clients come in with the idea that their partner is “bad” or they themselves are “bad.” It could be because they didn’t recognize emotional abuse, didn’t give enough love, or simply couldn’t forget actions that upset them. What I wish for my clients is the knowledge that we are all human and all learning. Each moment is an opportunity to act with loving kindness or react with a habitual response. My habitual response to pain is to run away, shut the door, and yell “I’m not coming out!” My opportunity is to notice the reaction as it begins to take form and find a new response. It doesn’t really matter if someone understands me or projects something false onto me. What matters is how I respond. I’m sorry to all of those I have hurt by slamming the door and refusing to come out. I forgive myself for believing I have to be understood in order to be loved. I forgive myself for believing another person’s wounds to be “unfair.” They are simply wounds and all I need to do is be aware of them. It’s been a peaceful week.

Sometimes keeping my cool seems an impossible task. Even Life Coaches get the blues! The past two days have been filled with traffic and what seems like an endless loop of driving and getting nowhere. My tricks of using my gratitude list or a colorful kazoo solo to prevent lapsing into road rage have not been working. What to do?

If I were my own client, I’d suggest deep breathing, listening to upbeat music or soothing myself with reassuring statements (e.g. “there is a home at the other end of the traffic”).  As Alice says in Wonderland, “I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.” Maybe it was the heat or the fact that I was once again on the same road, stuck, but I lost my cool today. So, here are some ways to get yourself into a more positive frame of mind AFTER you’ve lost your cool.

• Forgive yourself for losing your cool. Remember that changing negative mindsets and habits requires practice. Even Mozart couldn’t compose a symphony the first time he played a piano. Take it easy and reward yourself for noticing you lost your cool. Set an intention to notice earlier and come up with ways to cool yourself off earlier. It does get easier with practice.
• Commune with nature. After the difficult day at work, commuting home in deadlocked traffic, or wrestling with the daily difficulties, change into comfy clothes and take a walk. Even if you only go as far as the backyard, take a moment to watch the birds or appreciate the perfect symmetry of a flower. In my town, we are fortunate to have a lush greenbelt with springfed creeks. Get your feet wet! If you are a city-dweller, pour some epsom salts in the bathtub or close your eyes and listen to ocean sounds.
• Breathe. Before starting dinner, washing clothes or paying bills, take 5 minutes to focus on your breath. Close your eyes as you inhale. Feel your lungs fill, then let the air go without forcing it. Repeat until you feel calm and centered.
• Find that gratitude list and add at least one item. Are you grateful for your breath? Are you grateful that you can be grateful?
• Release the stress of the day. Worry doesn’t solve problems, action does. When we let go of our problems, our mind opens to solutions. The more we worry, the narrower our options seem to become. As the wise folks in AA say, “Let go & let God.”
• Write a quick blog entry about regaining your cool after lapsing into traffic madness. I feel better, do you?

© Stephanie Bandmann - Fotolia.com

The workshop at Morning Mist Retreats last Saturday was exhilarating. It’s wonderful to spend part of the day with others who are devoted to personal development and a more soulful life. Moving our focus from ourselves helps us realize how similar (and yet deliciously different) we are.

Too often, I get wrapped up in my to-do list, always adding more and never quite seeing the end. Sometimes leaving the list behind is the only way to regain perspective and balance in my life. The moments when we step out of the ordinary and breathe help us experience our connection to others and our planet.  Personal development workshops, mind/body exercises (Qi Gong, Yoga, Tai Chi, etc.), energy work (Reiki, Acupuncture, Tonal healing), exploring nature, and creative pursuits help us step off the hamster wheel and experience the joy of being embodied!

Have you taken a moment for you today? Have you tapped  into your own desire for reconnection with your self and your environment?

Step off the wheel for at least a few minutes every day and rejoice in your senses. Feel the stretch of a yoga pose, inhale the smell of sweet jasmine blooming on a fence, get a massage, or just revel in the steady in and out of your breath.

At the workshop on Saturday I experienced again how powerful and peaceful a group meditation can be.  Throughout this week I’ve let the experience of group synergy power my dedication to sharing and learning with others.

Namaste.

$150 Coaching Package

Three 45-minute weekly sessions

Includes weekly check-in phone call or email

**Call to schedule your$10 Discovery session today!

**Discovery sessions will be held over the telephone

Coaching may be done in person or via telephone/internet

May Workshop: May 15, 10:30am-3:00pm

Location: Misty Morning Retreats

Desire In Action: Tuning Into Love

Barbara Kelly, MSW, MLC, presents
Margaret McCraw’s “Tune Into Love: Attract Romance through the Power of Vibrational Matching”

Barbara Kelly, MSW, MLC, brings her skill as a therapist and practitioner of Margaret McCraw’s “Tune Into Love” techniques to help you attract fulfilling relationships using the Law of Attraction as seen in the movie The Secret.

Benefits:
Improve existing relationships or attract relationships that work
Find out how to move past blocks
Discover that forgiveness is huge
Demystify meditation or prayer

Experience the four steps to attracting the relationship you desire:
Feel-good moments
Creating a wish list of desires
Setting intentions
Releasing the outcome

Margaret McCraw’s “Tune Into Love: Attract Romance through the Power of Vibrational Matching,” is available for $10.17 (optional).

Register now: retreat limited to 15 people

Barbara Kelly, MSW, MLC, received her Law of Attraction Life Coach Certification through Behavioral Healthcare Consulting with Dr. Margaret McCraw, author of “Tune into Love.” Her Life Coaching practice integrates her therapeutic background with the Law of Attraction to assist clients in reaching their full potential personally and professionally.  http://barbthelifecoach.com

When:    Saturday, May 15, 2010, 10:30 am – 3 pm (lunch included)
Where:    5013 Sendero Springs Drive, Round Rock, TX  78681
Cost:         $6 for lunch. Optional Tune Into Love book for $10.17.
Contact us:     Call 512-255-0075 and send $6 plus $10.17 if you want the book to:
Morning Mist Retreats, 16508 Colwyn Bay Cove, Pflugerville, TX  78660.
What to Bring:  A comfortable pillow to sit on, comfortable clothes, journal and pen.

Morning Mist Retreats is a Texas non-profit organization dedicated to providing retreats that are spiritual, experiential, culturally diverse, and affordable. Our goal is to provide transformative, fulfilling experiences. See www.morningmistretreats.org.

For more information contact Karen Beard, Director, at (512) 255-0075 or karenlynnk2000@yahoo.com

June Workshop – June 5, 2010, 10am-1pm

Gayatri Healing Center

Let the Good Vibes Roll – Creating Your Life Using the Law of Attraction

Join Barbara Kelly, Certified Life Coach, for a Law of Attraction workshop based on the teachings of Abraham-Hicks, as seen in “The Secret.” Learn how to identify desires, move past negative blocks, set intentions and attract more prosperity in your personal and professional life. Come prepared to have fun, practice new techniques and learn the 4 Steps to creating the life you desire.

Cost: $25 includes workshop materials

Class size is limited to 20 participants. REGISTER NOW to reserve your space.

]]> http://www.lifegardeners.com/2010/04/09/spring-special-upcoming-workshops/feed/ 0 http://www.lifegardeners.com/2010/03/29/great-games-for-families/ http://www.lifegardeners.com/2010/03/29/great-games-for-families/#comments Mon, 29 Mar 2010 18:08:47 +0000 Barbara http://www.lifegardeners.com/?p=289 Okay, I’m going to admit a couple of my addictions. One is interesting board games and the other is the Dr. Laura Show. Even though I disagree with her politically, she does offer clear-headed, practical advice for families. She also recommended a great game. In addition to her recommendation, I’m including two family favorites that provide hours of entertainment and stimulating (or hilarious) conversation.

What is so great about this game? First of all, it’s a non-competitive game, so you won’t have to worry about Little Johnny or Sally (or Stryker in my house) complaining about losing. There are no losers here! Instead, players ask questions that are thought-provoking and creative. Find out the four most important things in your child’s life or what they think the world will be like in 100 years. This game is also great for Scout troops, counseling groups or playing with friends. You will learn more about each other and have a great time while playing.

The other game I recommend is Imaginiff. I bought this game for New Year’s Eve several years ago. After the first round, we stopped using the board and just started reading the cards and answering. Some of my favorites are “Imaginiff [insert player's name] was a car, which car would he be?” The question is followed by multiple choice answers like “Volkswagen bug, Limousine, Jeep, Buick or Honda”. It’s fun to hear the justifications for why players chose the answers. We had an uproarious fun time with adults and children falling over laughing.

The third game that is sure to bring smiles is Apples to Apples. Long a favorite of my children when they visited their friends, I finally purchased this game. Like the other two games, you will learn quite a bit about the players. In this game, the person whose turn it is to “judge” chooses a card with a noun on it. The other players hold adjective cards. Each player choosed an adjective and the “judge” decides which one is better suited for the noun. Players have fun guessing what the “judge” will choose. In order to do well, the players must learn more about each other (sense of humor, etc.).

© Albix - Fotolia.com

So often, when I speak with someone who is divorced, the word “failure” comes up. We have been taught by religion, our families, and our culture that divorce is a failure of commitment. The following stories illustrate the transformative power of divorce. Whether you are the person who instigated the break up or the person who wanted to maintain the marriage bond, divorce can be a liberating and creative experience, a chance to become more authentic and define your desires in new and startling ways.

First off, I want to explain that up until 1999, I saw divorce as a failure of moral character. My parents divorced in 1975 and for many years I defined my life by that moment – the moment I lost daily access to my father. I laid the blame squarely at the feet of my mother, who bore the weight of my anger for the next 25 years. It was my own divorce in 2000, as well as the divorces of several of my friends, that gave me my first glimpse of the transformation that can occur during the process.

In 1998, my then-husband stood me up for a rare date to see a friend’s photography exhibit. That night I looked at him and told him I wanted a divorce. I was exhausted by the energy I spent keeping up the front of a functional marriage. The nights I spent wondering whether he was coming home, where he was, if he was with someone else or just having a night on the town with his buddies, were wearing me down. He asked me to stick it out with him and I did, for two more years, until the effort to keep myself under wraps in order to maintain the marriage became more than I could stand. When I left him, I left not only his family, but my history. We had been together for almost 15 years, 9 of them married. The breaking point came as I reawakened to myself. The interests he labeled “crazy,” were the interests that brought me joy. No longer was I willing to subject my spiritual leanings to scientific and logical arguments. No longer would I apologize or hide the intensity of my astrological studies. No longer would I apologize for working on the family history or making dolls for our daughters. I wanted to be around supportive people – people who “got me.” My “failure” to maintain the commitment brought me closer to empathy for my parents, which later became forgiveness. If we cannot forgive ourselves, how can we truly forgive others?

During this time, two friends ended their marriages due to an unwillingness to continue hiding their sexuality. As a friend of all four of the people involved, I witnessed not only the joy and guilt of the partners who were embracing their homosexuality, but the anger and bitterness of their spouses, who felt betrayed. During the darkest hours, it seemed as if the abandoned spouses would never be able to get over the betrayal and have a healthy relationship. Over time, both families have reached workable solutions. Family holidays are spent together – former spouses, current partners, extended family, friends, and children. One friend has shared her joy at going from being married to a half-husband to having two husbands! Her ex-husband’s partner fixes her computer, gives thoughtful gifts and helps with the children. In the meantime, she’s pursued her art with the support and encouragement of both men. In hindsight, the partners who left did not abandon their partners or themselves (which would be the outcome of staying in their marriages). As a result, everyone has grown due to the experience.

In another example, a close friend’s husband left her for a younger woman. For the first year, she attempted to save her marriage, courting her husband and working to understand his point-of-view. It didn’t succeed, and they were divorced. After many tears and long talks on her porch, she revealed the dreams she had put off. She had always wanted to be a nurse,and began to explore the idea of following that dream. Over the next five years, she finished a nursing program and is currently employed as an R.N. Additionally, she now cannot fathom being with her ex-husband, who was not a nurturing or warm presence in her life. His departure was a gift because she learned her own strength and followed her desires. She found a well of strength she was unaware of until she had to stand on her own.

None of this is to say that divorce is easy. For those of us who leave, we are occasionally plagued with guilt or doubts about the decision. Sometimes the pain of being alone can be so great, that we wonder if settling might not have been a better choice. I do know the opinion we have of the situation can help us overcome the doubt, fear and anger. I now see my marriage and my divorce as positive events in my life. I’m able to look back at the highs and the lows and cherish the whole package. With my ex-husband, I had an ally in the world. We shared friends, political views, and a lifestyle. We supported each other through the deaths of five grandparents and two close friends. We gave life to two interesting and interested daughters, who continue to amaze us. When I left him, I learned that I could support myself and follow my own path. I went dancing, reconnected with friends, started my own business and went back to graduate school. The very interests that pushed us apart, brought me fulfillment. I’m not sure what he thinks about it now; but from my perspective, he seems happy. He has a wife who shares his interests and he has left behind the days of escaping into a six-pack. Today he teaches meditation classes, travels, and is a supportive co-parent to our children.

© Sergey Rusakov - Fotolia.com

By re-framing divorce, we can come to a new understanding about who we are and what we want from life and our relationships. If you or someone you know is going through a divorce or breakup, Life Gardeners can help you re-frame the situation, identify your desires, and attract the life you choose to live. Pain is inevitable, but we choose whether we will suffer or learn through the experience. Are you ready to transform your life?

We are on the cusp of spring and all of us who love being outdoors are surely being affected by this seemingly never ending rain and the dramatic temperature shifts. I’ve found it challenging to write about the wonders of the gardening world while bringing my tropical plants in and out and cutting the frozen remains of my once lush and flower filled yard. I am reminding myself of the fresh palette I have to work with in the spring and have decided to thank Mother Nature for clearing the terrain for me.

On one of those frozen afternoons I began to plan my new garden. While searching for colorful inspiration online, I stumbled across multiple interesting articles on the Children and Nature Network that may appeal to parents out there. I read through many studies that show that kids are spending less and less time outside and other studies indicate that time spent outdoors has an affect on our mental physical and emotional health.

An author recognized by the Children and Nature Network , Richard Louv coined the term “nature-deficit disorder” in his book “Last Child in the Woods.” He used this term to describe what happens to many of our youth who are spending excessive amounts of time with their beloved electronic devices and less time in nature. This “disorder” was of particular interest to me; when practicing as a mental health worker, I was witness to this pattern in the youth I worked with; the internet, texting, television and video games have become predominant forms of recreation for an increasing number of youth. As technology becomes more affordable, most likely our kids will become increasingly more sedentary and home-bound. The recognition that the youth are out of touch with nature inspired me to collaborate with the young people I worked with in the construction of gardens as often as possible. I was pleasantly surprised by the number of “delinquent” and “defiant” adolescents who looked forward to pulling weeds and watching “their” plants grow. Their sense of pride and ownership over their herbs and flowers was truly heartwarming. In “The Last Child in the Woods,” Louv faults the amount of time spent indoors with rising levels of childhood obesity, attention deficit disorders, and depression.

I experienced symptoms of “nature deficit disorder” while in previous professional positions. While working as therapist there were many hours spent in synthetic environments and behind a computer screen; this created an unhealthy disconnect from what was occurring in the natural world outside of the doors. Simplicity was overlooked and natural cycles became disrupted. Despite the extreme weather this year, working outdoors, specifically with plants, has dramatically improved my mood, my physical health and my mental clarity.

So, for those of you who have been feeling a little down, it’s time for you and your loved ones to get outside and prepare for the spring. Seasonal Affective Disorder is not a myth; the lack of Vitamin D will decrease mental and physical health. I suggest building a vegetable bed, organizing and planning for your outdoor experiences or just go wander around a garden center and become inspired by the colors and textures available while our native environment is dormant.

This is the best time of the year to get plants established. Life Gardeners is accepting appointments to assist you with the creation of your own therapeutic garden, these services include: bed design/construction, landscape consultation and assistance with installation. Please contact Danielle with questions related to this service.

Lessons from a Pilot’s Daughter